Brother to Sister – A Poem

Ed Note: This is a poem my brother James wrote to me on May 8, 1998 before our first meeting. He was living in Korea.

To My Lovely Sis:

There is nothing more precious that I could receive than news of you

We are the same yet different

God has granted me a blessing that I don’t deserve

Yet I do

All my life I knew you were there

Only I assumed you were an angel, nothing new

But someone tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear that I must look for you

For you had looked for me

And eventually I for you

And the heavens opened up for us

For this that we have been granted in the great scheme of things

And now that I know you

I’ll never let you go

All this time I knew that you were there

My mother had not left me

She left me herself on this earth

And told me to be calm…

My daughter and my son

Love James

Mother’s Day-Lost & Found & Lost Again

While Mother’s Day, especially the Hallmark version, is usually a time of celebration, it is also a time of remembered loss for many. I think it’s good to remember those around you as some are celebrating, some are mourning and yet others are trying to balance both.

3 generations of mothers.

I didn’t alway like Mother’s Day. I actually wanted to just kick this holiday to the curb and forget it forever. And then I became a mother

I’ve been a mother for many years now and have enjoyed the adoration, handmade and macaroni inspired jewelry boxes, hand and foot print plaster plaques, handcrafted cards, something I was told was breakfast in bed and all the other fun stuff that comes with being a mom and celebrating in the moment.

I am a motherless daughter which automatically makes me a motherless mother. With or without my own mother or the experience of having her with me, motherhood is hard, it’s challenging and it’s stressful. But it’s also amazing, rewarding and something I can’t imagine myself not ‘being’ even though I started out as someone who didn’t think motherhood was in the cards.

I’ve been writing for years and usually, especially when I had a newspaper column, I would write a funny piece about being a mother or a sobering piece about my struggles with the holiday as someone remembering a lost mother and trying to balance that with being a mother myself. It hasn’t always been easy for me or my family.

And now this Mother’s Day is here and I have had writer’s block for a few weeks now. I have been consumed with a situation in my life that has taken over my every moment. It has been stressful and hard. Very, very hard and I find it difficult to think or write about anything else which is why I am writing this on Mother’s Day.

Shocking news, stumbled upon actually. And then the sleuthing and waiting. God, the waiting. Those that know me understand that this is not one of my strengths.

The waiting is over. The jumbled and jagged pieces of the puzzle have been gathered and put together. All of this leading to a loss. A heartbreaking, unreasonable and beyond sad loss.

I will write more about this loss in future writings. I will connect some dots, move some puzzle pieces around and try to put it all together in a way that my mind can understand and more importantly, in a way my heart can accept and find peace.

My brother James

But for now, for today, as today is all I can handle, I will enjoy my day with my children, think about the mother I never really knew and wish peace to my brother, James, whom I found many years ago after he was adopted and who I have recently discovered, is no longer with us.

Lost and found and lost again.

RIP my brother James. I truly hope you are at peace and have finally met  the mother you never had the chance to meet here on earth.

Love,

Your sister

A fave song fitting here.

This post and other mom writings also shared here at KoalaBearWriter

Lost and Found and Lost Again

Waiting in anticipation for the 7:20 p.m. train.  There was a rumbling, in my stomach, not on the tracks.  The clock ticked and my heart pounded.  I was pale and my palms were sweating, waiting to meet my birth brother in the flesh.  As luck would have it, the train was late.  I needed fresh air and seemed unable to take a breath.  I would not let my husband leave my side.  Finally the train arrived and I started scanning the crowds in vain, looking for him.  Then I saw him and he saw me.  We embraced and told each other that we were both excited and nervous.

We hugged and said goodbye until next time.  He would return to his work overseas and I would return home.  It is safe to say that we hold our union close to our hearts.  Staying up past 3:00 a.m. our first night together, drinking champagne under the stars was incredible.  Our moods went from giddy, to silly and finally a little sentimental throughout the entire night.  Every once in awhile one of us would say, “Can you believe that we are sitting here together right now?”  The rest of our week together saw us pouring over photo albums, comparing our feet (“take off your shoes and show me your feet,” he ordered.  Giggling, I obliged, secretly hoping that his feet were as odd looking as mine and they were.), telling stories of our lives and searches, visiting special places and just spending time learning more about each other.

We shared a lot in one week.  His family opened their home and hearts to me and he was easily accepted by my son and husband.  A true moment of bonding for both of us took place when we returned to the neighbourhood where we had both lived at different times.  This was also the backdrop for the one picture of my brother that I had carried around throughout my search-evidence that he existed. The memories flooded in when we stepped into the family church where our mother was baptized, made her First Communion and Confirmation, was married and later buried.  We then continued on to the apartment where my brother lived for six weeks and I spent years visiting.  What a moment.  Our week was full of moments that we will both treasure forever as we move forward in our lives together.

My search has come full circle and is now complete.  James is my brother and I am his sister.  Enough said.

Note: This was written many years ago when I first ‘found’ my birth brother and appeared in the Toronto Star’s feature on adoption and reunions. We shared the same mother who passed away when we were young. A secret for so long-I only learned of his existence in my later 20’s and quite by accident and spent 5 long years searching for him. My search is another story that I will write about at some point. I did speak about it at a Parent Finders meeting years ago and suffice to say, I was forced to be very creative to get the information that I felt and still feel so entitled to. Some say by the grace of God I wasn’t put up for adoption and others say it may have been a better thing…I spent my own time with the CCAS (Catholic Children’s Aid Society) although I was eventually released to family. Adoption rights is an issue close to my heart. May all find what they are looking for but at the same time try to temper expectation. For many, many reasons, my brother and I are not currently in contact. I love him dearly and wish for his healing.